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I couldn’t have made it clearer how stale the new year had felt like in my earlier post. It’s been a thought that’s lingered so much so that I find it such funny timing having explained to Nicole what the word “malaise” means just the other day.
Interestingly but not surprisingly, the new in new year has been ramping up, and I feel energised just as much as I am stressed. It simply isn’t the same tiredness as the bog of malaise anymore. It’s been an eventful past month, and there is an assortment of new things to me.
For one, I find myself falling in love (if I already haven’t) with our fat office cat Pororoy. I have always known myself to be a dog person, unbothered but also not enamoured by cats; and I have in fact known this cat for two years and between two names (the correct one allegedly being Troy).
The more I touch him every office day, the more he would come to me and the more we would grow some kind of primal understanding and uncomplicated attachment that I would imagine to be the simple kind of love I wasn’t ever accustomed to. Seeing him brings me joy, knowing him brings me joy. I send clips of him to a friend in Denmark every time I’m in the office; the routine of him brings me joy. “Love is as love does”, bell hooks writes.
Apart from reading, this past month was also a good month for moviegoing. My favourite was Resurrection. I love cinema captured in its complex life-imitates-art-imitates-life-like breadth (talking about the film) and the sheer existence of it (talking about how amazing it is to just see films be made, shown, and seen). I like life this way.
Lastly, I find that this palpably good mood is underscored by my more intentional dressing up on “regular office days”. I used to intentionally dress down on regular days to (1) not misplace importance on the regular (2) preserve the specialness of my “special” clothes. I reflected on this with my therapist, and I think dressing up and honouring the way I show up in the world with the self-realised version of me that’s available to me now makes every day worth getting out of bed for. It can really be that simple, and I’m happy it is for me. One of these past few days I found myself thinking in passing: every day is special, and special days are special. Let me just write that down.
KameManNen glasses, Studio Nicholson top & bottom, Hereu loafers, rings from Paris and @mirrobeads.
I feel so much like myself! I don’t know a better feeling, mostly because I am the way I am. Grey is a colour I’m very much in love with lately. I can’t get enough of it. Especially mixed with brown… I can’t explain the charm.
This is the new Akong Gugma piece we have at the cafe. Another new thing. My colleagues are probably sick of me saying this but… beautiful.
New year blues
Brevity was never my strong suit, and neither was focus. In fact, I feel that I’ve been losing focus more than I’ve been growing sensitive (as I’ve claimed to be). It’s a pale feeling, not unfamiliar—and then a bit bothersome. I can’t be brief about it. Like previous attempts at self-expression, it will likely feel insufficient than otherwise.
At the risk of becoming too self-aware, I had to start off with that to explain what this is. The only things I want for this is to have something to say again, and to do it in a way that feels like me, before all of this. But also, it’s worth noting that before all of this, I was unhappy too. Again, in fact, I feel that I’ve now been happier—content—than before. So in that sense I will not be doing things with some trite nostalgia, but rather in a way where I carry that unsullied spirit of doing with whatever else I bring with me today. The common denominator, if anything, is melancholy
New Year’s Eve in Tokyo passed me by. The countdown in Shinjuku was unimpressive—I’d have preferred sleeping in if not for my cousin insisting that we do it. Lots of places stayed closed in the days the followed. In as much as nothing to do isn’t unwelcome in itself, the disappointment of being inhibited left a bitter taste
On my first night I had a few amazing glasses at Nikai though, upstairs of Kabi. Kentaro was excellent
At the end, as I was requesting for a last glass I had mentioned to Kentaro that I like “to go deep”, and so he brought me a Chenin Blanc from 2012. It was proper earthy, and then heavenly once I asked for some cheese
It was a few boring days after New Year’s, save for some shopping. I found my new favourite pair of trousers from Studio Nicholson
And this coat from a Japanese brand
And then this antique store around Asakusa. I spent almost an hour pacing back and forth, admiring everything in here. Interestingly, the objects aren’t all Japanese
There was a sale in the second store in front of the main one, and I bought a couple of things on display. Some dried plants c. 1940, some ceramics. Particularly obsessed with the slim vase
It snowed a bit too, which, shopping bags in tow, was unexpected but still amusing
And then a nice time at Wineshop Flow
Going to Ueno Zoo felt like a waste of time after two hours, which was unfortunately the case. More or less because I was with family and it was hard to get a hold of everyone. Dea and Ikoro the polar bears were very cute, especially as they went for a swim, but it was expectedly sad to see the state of their enclosures
Enjoyed seeing this Daido print at what is perhaps my favourite curry spot in Tokyo
I had a good izakaya run during this trip, and most memorable would be all the seafood we had at one with the tiniest door at Nakameguro. It was an appreciated break from all the yakitori
Very nearly finished this book by the end of the trip
I loved this look the most, which I wore on my last full day
That night I did a nighttime tea course with my mother. A funny bit was when the staff gave my mother my matcha martini instead of the non-alcoholic one. I could’ve sworn it was really just low ABV
What had sufficient ABV were the three martinis and the cardamom highball I had at the bar I’d been eyeing across our hotel in Meguro, which had stayed closed until the very last night.
In these past few days of thinking about what sparks something in me, that I could understand what I should be aiming for this year, I keep coming back to the feeling of being in that dark, smoky room, in the best kind of drunk you could ask for. Like I alluded to earlier, I recognise the face of happiness now, and with me in that room was just that.
